As i lie here on my sofa writing this each press of my keyboard is literally like the feeling of being in a car crusher. Every slight movement is now causing me such pain all my bones hurt i have dropped form 54kg to a shocking 44kg in the matter of a month! But i wont give up raising awareness.
I went to hospital yesterday was really looking forward to it as I believed this time they was going to help me. Little did I know it would be the worst time visiting my gastro team. I had an mri scan a few weeks back so I was awaiting results however they told me they did the wrong scan they didn’t scan my bowels just my pelvic area. I was frustrated I am waiting for my bowel to be scanned so I can continue with an emergency operation I was due last year however they have basically told me to suffer and that I may not get funded for new treatment that I desperately need! Even tho i need an emergency ileostomy I have been put back on a very long waiting list all because last year I was pregnant so they couldn’t operate but I lost my daughter due to an ectopic the same month due operation ever since then ive got weaker by the day and I dont know how much more I can wait, each day is getting harder for me I feel like death. I dont understand how they can leave me to suffer like this. Its now affecting my mental health as I dont want to be here suffering in such pain every second of the day!
A friend of mine created a Go Fund Me Page to raise awareness and see if anyone would be willing to help me get better care and my operation faster. This made me feel like some people do actually care about me as my hospital clearly dont.
I would really appreciate anyone that can share my page to raise the awareness as I need a bigger audience to help me get the correct care.
The 5k run for an amazing charity was worth the battle it took me to do it.
He gets me through everything
We completed the 5K
As a sufferer of crohns disease I took part in the 5K colour obstacle run at Aintree Race Course in Liverpool may 2016 to raise awareness and funds for the amazing charity Crohns And Colitis UK. I chose to fund raise for this charity as they have done so much for me and many others who suffer with crohns and colitis. They helped me gain my confidence and made me never feel alone. Thanks to them I now have a massive network behind me I have spoke to thousands of inspiring people we have shared our experiences and helped each other with problems. I now have many close friends i call crohnies they are like family to me every year we all try to attend as many events and meet ups as we can but being chronically ill plans never work out too well. But I made it to this event! I hope I can take part in many more over the years.
If you would like to help and maybe do a good cause for the new year you could donate as little as £1 by clicking on the link. Your donation would mean a lot to thousands of people like myself who suffer with crohns and colitis. SPONSOR ME DONATE TO CCUK
As some people know I suffer with PTSD due to all the traumatic events I have been through in my life. Well I would just like to state that PTSD is one of my worst enemies to battle it truly breaks me down. Over the past week I have been suffering terrible flash back nightmares of when my ex used to beat me, my fiance told me that I was screaming, whimpering and scratching in my sleep. The first two times it happened this week I could not remember when I woke up what my dream was about but I felt angry and violated and knew I had some sort of traumatic dream. I vaguely remembered screaming but I didn’t know why until today when I suddenly awoke. This morning I was starting to get anxious I felt it in my sleep. I felt my heart racing, my body fidgeting around I was currently in a horrible dream of my ex standing above me beating me in a corner. It was horrible it was of a time that happened around three years ago. He had kicked off on me and was smashing my house up. I rang the police as he was on a restraining order and I was petrified of him but he convincedme to let him hide and he was sorry, so as I do I obeyed him and fell for his sweet evil lies.
He hid inside my bed as I have a storage underneath, police looked around moaned at me for wasting time and left, but they should of noticed something was up as I was giving off strong signals they haven’t looked everywhere. Once they had left he came straight out of hiding and switched like I had never seen before, screaming ”you phoned the police on me” I was crying saying ”you said it was ok and you would never hurt me again” he threw me up against the wall spitting in my face strangling me. This abuse went on for hours in to the early morning one point I tried to jump out of a window till he teared my dress and dragged me back in as I tried to get out and screamed for help. It got to around 8am and I had to ring an ambulance as I was having panic attacks and abdominal pain from where id been hit. He left the house when I rang for help and returned pretending to be a friend when they arrived. There was no escaping him he scared me so much. I never understood why he did what he did but for some stupid reason I loved him and always thought there was good in him. Our story is a bit like beauty and the beast but however now im out of it all i see is the BEAST.
After suddenly awaking I then realized all week my dreams where of different events I went through, I had just got these images out of my head whilst awake and now they are haunting me in my dreams. The 6 years of abuse I went through I will clearly never be able to forget as they were so traumatic to me, however I will try my hardest to not let these flashbacks affect my present any more. I figured I need to replace a negative with a positive as that is the best way I deal with negative thoughts. To get positive thoughts back in my mind I need to do something positive so I decided to finally start planning my wedding. Yes I am getting married! My fiance saved me from my dark days he truly is my prince charming and my hero, I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with the man who always cares for me always protects me and helps fight my battles. There is not a day that goes by where he dont treat my like his queen and make me smile. One day I will beat PTSD just like I will fight all my other illnesses.
If you think you may suffer with PTSD I would advise you get help from your GP.
PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
A person with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through flashbacks and nightmares, they may also experience feelings of isolation, irritability, anger and guilt. Some people who suffer with PTSD tend to have sleeping problems, such as insomnia, and find it difficult to concentrate. These symptoms are often severe enough to have a significant impact on a persons day-to-day life.
Events that can cause PTSD include:
Prolonged sexual abuse, severe neglect or violence
Sexual assault, personal assault
Serious road accidents
Being held hostage
PTSD can develop immediately after someone experiences a disturbing event or it can occur weeks, months or even years after. There are a few treatments available to help people with PTSD such as taking anti depressants and attending psychotherapy.
I myself am currently taking anti-depressants I have been on and off citalopram a very long time so far it hasn’t really helped me much. However I am yet to attend psychotherapy I have a meeting with a mental health team in February so I am hoping me talking about my issues and learning to understand and control them will help me with my depression and PTSD.
So every one is shouting about their new year resolutions, but how many people can in fact stick to them throughout the remainder of the year? I can honestly admit that I have never stuck to one single resolution in my life. Its the year of 2017 and I truly hope it holds many happy days, health and wealth to all. We believe that each new year we get a new start to change things in our lives, we all want to move forward in life and preferably not stick in the past so with that change becomes a new you in my case a new me.
So what does 2017 hold for me I hear you ask? Well I am hoping this year I can start to get my illness under control so I dont feel like im dying every other month and take control of my mental state. I am due to be married on the 6th June this year, hopefully I dont have to postpone due to being so ill. Also I am going to look into some herbal and Chinese remedies to try and improve my health as I have never tried natural remedies before so I will be sure to keep a blog about my experience trying them. I have many appointments coming up regarding my physical and mental health so lets hope 2017 is the start of the road to recovery and some sort of relief for me. I wish everyone the best for year 2017 and every year yet to come.
This year I will fight my biggest battle and do everything in my power to be as strong as I can be to fight as much as I can and hopefully by the end of 2017 I can turn around and say I achieved some kind of goal whether it be fighting my demons in my head or hopefully better physical improvement I would love to start 2018 healthy as can be and mobile. Here’s to 2017 may it be a speedy recovery and healthy year for everyone.
Maggots dropping from above and all below the table at The Farthings Pub.
Me and my family popped out for a meal but to our horrors our food was not on the table but something living and crawling was. We had been waiting a long time for our food and im glad it did take long otherwise my step dad would of had maggots land in his food and he probably wouldn’t of noticed and eat them. We was just sitting there having a drink whilst waiting for the food when my step dad got up to go the bar as he left the table my mom noticed two bugs wriggling around I walked around to his side and realized they were maggots I looked under the table and there was loads on the floor i was heaving to myself like this is so disgusting I am not eating here. As i finished looking under table another one appeared on top of the table so now there was three on the top of the table what did it do come from the ceiling? How did they drop there! And why is there so many on the floor! We asked for a refund and got the hell out of there. They tried to say they had a funeral in yesterday and the kids had sweets everywhere the cleaners must not of cleaned properly. If I remember correctly maggots only come from rotting meat or dead bodies. I wasn’t hanging around to eat the food, if the lounge isn’t clean i dread to know what the kitchen is like. I wont ever be going back in there again. I dont think that would of done my illness any good!
So I decided to join the wonderful world of WordPress. I have seen many peoples blogs and sites that truly are inspiring. I have always enjoyed writing and always wanted to write many books who knows maybe one day I will! I started this blog because I want to raise awareness for all the illnesses that myself and many other people live with such as; Crohn’s Disease, Anal-rectal Disease, PTSD, Severe Depression, Anxiety and more. I have to fight my own body and mind daily so I want to raise awareness and make people see the struggles people like myself go through and that we do matter.